Dale "The Man" Swanson
Ah, English, what a fine language it is. I personally have spoken it for years, and plan to continue to do so for many more. Also all my friends speak it, and everyone I see on TV speaks it. In fact, the only people I've ever met that don't speak it are Mexicans and I think we all know that Mexicans have no idea what going on. So the question you're asking yourself now is "Why does anyone speak any language other than English?" Well, to tell you the truth I don't know, and that really has nothing to do with this paper so I don't know why you asked.
Anyway where were we before you interrupted, ah yes, English it's a swell language, you know it's a lot like that song by Toni Basil, "Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey." (Basil) Really if you think about it the two are quite similar, well except for the obvious thing about her saying hey Mickey and not hey English, that and the fact that the two are completely unrelated.
Ok, so English, did you know that George Washington spoke it. Also Mr. Ed the talking horse, what language did he pick to speak, Portuguese? Ha, no way, he picked English, because he knew it was the best. Now come on if the world's only talking horse picked English then you know it must be the best. I mean come on, that's just common sense.
What's that you say? You want some more English facts, well no problem I know a ton. For instance, did you know that English was invented in 1458 by Napoleon after he defeated the Romans and wanted to tell everyone how sweet he was but didn't want to be talking in sissy French? Also, 3 out of 5 dentists say that speaking English will prevent cavities and there's a good chance that AIDS has something to do with speaking foreign languages. Here's some more proof, you remember the black plague did any of those countries speak English? Nope, didn't think so, that tells you something right there don't it?
Ok, so now that I have you all siked up and in an Englishy mood I can get down to business. So what should I write about influencing English? Well, I guess I'll just be like everybody else and do Animal Farm. So, this was a book written about communism but with the famous players represented as animals, pretty clever idea huh? Guess what language it was written in, that's right English baby. So George Orwell the author of the book compares Lenin the father of communist Russia to that one black fat pig with the monocle, ok hold on let me go look up these stupid pig's names. Ok, back, so the one I was just talking about was Old Major, now the website I was just at compared him to Karl Marx, personally I think that who ever is in charge of that website is an insane fool. Karl Marx never gained power he was the father of the idea of modern communism but never a politician like Lenin, Old Major was defiantly Lenin. Now Napoleon I think is pretty obviously Stalin, but this website falsely states that, "he may be compared to his namesake, Napoleon Bonaparte of France."(classicnote.com) Ha, that's ridiculous it's so obviously Stalin it's not even funny. Well I just went to three websites in all, and every one of them says Old Major was Karl Marx, one even said this, "Mr. Jones symbolises (in addition to the evils of capitalism) Czar Nicholas II, the leader before Stalin (Napoleon)."[Sic] (K-1.com) Leader before Stalin, what did Lenin never even exist? That's what this web site would have you believe. Ok, well at most I can compromise and say Old Major maybe a combination of Lenin and Karl Marx but he's mostly Lenin, and Napoleon sure as hell isn't Napoleon Bonaparte. Then there's Snowball, who is Trotsky (probably not spelled right). These other web sites didn't even acknowledge Trotsky's existence. George Orwell would be rolling in his grave (assuming he's dead) if he could see these terrible butchering of the obvious characters in his novel, well either that or he wouldn't care at all, probably the later but that don't have as much convincing effect now does it? So, anyway all these website are run by inbreed hick fools who obviously don't know the slightest thing about history, I mean I can understand not knowing Trotsky but Lenin? Come on if your going write a summery for characters in a book at least knows that Old Major isn't Karl Marx.
Hmmm, haven't had a new paragraph in a while probably be best to start one of those right about now. So next, we have Squealer and the websites accurately compares him to the propaganda machines of any dictatorship, pretty simple there. Then there is Boxer he was that horse that was all about hard work, and no fun. A lot like the working class of communist Russia, who always thought that their hard work would pay off, but didn't realize that their government, just like any other dictatorship in history, was run by a few rich folks that got all the goods. Yes, boxer was a lot like the working class but he was by far more like Dan Connell always working, working, working but never having fun. Already married at age 18 and can't even have a fun night with his friends at a strip club or a baseball game cause he has to "Go antiquing with the wife in the Hamptons." (Connell) Yep, he's a sad, sad kid, who should be kid napped and shown a good time, hey, that gives me a good idea, hmmmm. Ok, anyway back to English and such, so now we have all the smaller parts in the book, unfortunately I don't remember them at all and since this website has gone 2 for 5 so far, I'll be damned if I'm going trust them.
So how did this book influence English, well my 12th grade class had to read this book, and I'd assume that most others had to as well. So the way I see things, most the kids in America had to read this book, and what language did those kids grow up to be able to string together barley coherent sentences out of seaming random words from? You guessed it (assuming you guessed English that is) English. So all these kids have read this book and a small minority of them may have even not instantly forgotten what it was about, imagine that. Some of them although not understanding it all remembered reading some sort of book about animals for weeks, dare I saw months before allowing it to sink into the dark reassesses of their feeble minds. And during that time they may have done something slightly different because of that book, and that may have gone on to affect English somehow or something like that, I don't really know I'm not a mind reader I don't know what you want out of me.
So as you can clearly see this book has had a huge influence on English literature, oh wait one more thing I just thought up, let's say that some guy writes some book about something and wants to name it Animal Farm, but then he finds out that name's already taken. Well, then he gets so pissed that he throws the whole thing out and goes back to his job down at Taco Bell, and never writes any of the other books he would have gone on to write. Well, there you go that's a pretty major influence on English now isn't it?
Ramble On, that one of the best songs of all time written by the best band of all time Led Zeppelin, and they wrote all their songs in English. You know who really liked English a little monkey I knew that went by the name Bojo.
You see Bojo was a simple monkey, simple that is until the experiments on his brain turned him into a super intelligent monkey, then when the future people, chose to send him back in time for no apperent reason (they were probably bored), he had a tough time living in our time. He had to resort to a life of crime simply because everyone were a bunch of Monkeiest and wouldn't hire a monkey to oh say, pilot a jumbo jet, or perform open heart surgery. So Bojo stole money and food and lived a life running from the law, kind of like Bon Jovi's Dead or Alive, "I'm a cowboy on a steal horse I ride, and I'm wanted dead or alive" (Bon Jovi), yeah that song does rock, but back to Bojo. So, he rode from town to town until one day he got tired of it all and came up with a plan, so he went down to A.C. and gambled his five dollars into several trillion dollars, and then used the money to build an underground lair. Ok, so that brings us up to speed on what Bojo's been up to since last time now let's see what he's doing now.
It was a dark and stormy night and all was going well in the lair, when Bojo turned to his second in command who was for some reason a pirate, yep a pirate with a peg leg, an eye patch, and a parrot. So, he turned to him and said, "pirate how many crazy flying monkeys things did we make so far," to which the pirate replied with, "arrr sir we built million arrrrr." Bojo was pleased with this so he told the pirate dude to release the flying monkeys and try to take over the Earth, but then all of sudden for no reason whatsoever he turned back into a normal monkey. He immediately began dancing around making whatever noise monkeys make I guess kind of like oh oh oh ah ah ah. Eh, maybe not, I don't know, so he was a regular monkey and all his dudes saw him acting like a regular monkey and loss all their respect for him and left. Just as the last guy, the pirate was leaving Bojo turned back into his normal smart self. He tired to get everybody to come back but they were all like, "no way man you're just some stupid monkey, go away monkey." This made Bojo very angry and he tried throwing a fit but everyone just started cracking up because, well lets face it a monkey throwing stuff around all angry and stuff is just cute and funny.
So, Bojo the monkey was left broke and angry just as he started. Man what crazy adventure do you think Bojo's going be getting into next? He sure is cute.
Well, as any fool can see Bojo has had more influence on English than any other monkey in history, and that's a scientifically proven fact, you can't argue with science. Bojo is the perfect example of what English is all about, cute, time traveling, scientifically altered monkeys. You can't get more English that that, he has had by far the most effect on English out of any other fictional monkey I've randomly made up in my head. As further proof of his sweetness look at what William Shakespeare had to say about him "Oh, Bojo he's so sweet, man his crazy hijinks crack me up that's the reason I became a writer and anyone who doesn't see how obviously sweet he is, must be pretty stupid." (Shakespeare) Now if that don't convince you I don't know what would, I mean come on imagine if Shakespeare had never written any of his stories, like that one about that dude who does all that crazy stuff and then it climes to a climax and then has a resolution, you know what one I mean? Imagine if that hadn't been written what a different world we would live in. I bet that we'd still be cavemen if he hadn't written that. So basically that's why we all have Bojo the monkey to thank for us to not be running around in some dirty rags trying to hunt down some food for tonight's dinner and being all stupid.
Well, that's about all I have to say, it was a wonderful paper wasn't it? I mean come on you know you learned something, I bet you didn't know who wrote that Hey Mickey song, did you? Bet you didn't know how sweet English was either, and how much thanks we all owe to that one brave courageous cute monkey Bojo.
Thank you, and good night.
Word of Mouth
Dead or Alive
Slippery When Wet
Some book or something